bubblewrap me

This is all of you in the army.

movie marathon part 3 next plz!

AND....... I want a chalkboard in ma room too...

∆∆∆

This just took the words out of my mouth.

I don't have the gift like some people (HI RUTH) to be able to type whatever comes off the top of their head. I actually do plan and type drafts for my blog, hahaha. Yes, I am strange like that. I struggled with wanting to lock, or even delete my blog because sometimes I just want to say whatever I wanted here, with my words as a reflection of what is on my heart. I want to be able to wear my heart on my sleeve, but everyone knows that is not entirely possible because people judge. Its human nature, and I don't want my thoughts to be judged by you, not because I am ashamed of it but I'd rather hide them and tuck them away in a safe corner than to feel exposed and criticized. I am still considering whether or not I should lock this blog again.

∆∆∆

√ This isn't really a daydream but I remember the last time we were on holiday and I sat next to you on the bus and we all fell asleep. I know falling asleep on your shoulder was intentional but oh how I didn't want the bus trip to end so I could just continue lying there. Then there was the part where we were exploring the underground caves, and I said I was cold even though I really wasn't to see if you'd give me your coat. You didn't, in the end and I was disappointed but hey, I was expecting too much.

The walk in the forest was probably my favourite part because all I could see was you and no one else mattered, even just for that few steps. Stolen glances were all that mattered then. I fell sick that night though, with a fever so hot it gave me a massive headache and I literally cried because I felt so terrible. But even so, you did not show me any concern.

I keep building up all these hopes inside of my mind, but I am still disappointed over and over and over again.

I must have been a fool to be completely blinded to how nonchalant you were towards me. Oh, silly deborah, you never learn. I always wondered how you could know how I felt yet be able to come up to me and ask if we could just pretend nothing happened. You have no idea how selfish that is. You are such a jerk, but I still love you for that.

How can someone who can make my heart soar and stomach sick be able to hurt me so much that at times I feel I could die from the suffocating, heartache.

I don't know when it started but I've stopped thinking about you. For the first time I am not interested in wanting to know what you might be doing, not interested in knowing whether you think about me as much as I do, and I think it might even be safe for me to say I would be able to look at you now and not feel the same heart wrenching kind of pain I thought was so addictive before. I don't write about you in my diary on a daily basis, I don't think of random excuses to talk to you on msn and I don't walk past you on purpose just to see if you'd notice me.

When you give all you can ever possibly give to someone who doesn't want it, I guess you really can burn out. This is my burn out point. I don't want to have to cry about you anymore, I don't want to think of what could have been, I don't want you.

"I took a step back, and let you go, told you I'm not bulletproof, now you know."

So for now, I am locking up this heart of mine, I am going to be selfish and keep it for myself. I don't want to give it up if you don't want it. I am going to bubblewrap myself.