my kind of beautiful

I'd take you for all that you are.

thats what I love about you,

the you that is full of hurts,

the you that no one else thinks is beautiful.

∆∆∆

hello to you, (whoever you are that reads this space, I mean, I honestly don't think people read this blog but if you do, hello.)

I've been really tired. It's not just physically or mentally or even emotionally tired. I'm just tired. You know how sometimes you just get so drained, its like you lose all your spark. Nothing much seems to excite you anymore, and no matter how much you talk it out or complain about it it doesn't seem to work. There is this unspeakable, indescribable void that I feel inside but I just don't know what it is. Most times I just feel like a grumpy old lady who is critical about anything and everything and other times I just really really want to clam up, literally, and block out everything else. I don't know what the hell I want from anyone/anything anymore and my heart is so numb to so many things yet at the same time I feel so overwhelmed it feels as though I would burst at the seams. Sometimes I look at things that remind me of things I don't want to remember and I feel the tears welling up and precariously waiting to slosh over and spill out. I don't want a shoulder to cry on, I guess I'm too proud for that. But a reassuring hand would be nice and I don't really ask for anything more but for you to try to understand me the way I try to decipher the things you do. I'm an open book but I'm not, I guess. There are certain things I'd never say to you. I know that what I'd say would hurt you so I chose to keep it to myself and it hurt me instead. I want to be selfish and blame it all on you but what good would that do.

I've been struggling. I struggle to commit everything to God. There are certain issues I want to keep to myself because I have this fear that by committing it to him I'd not be in control of the situation and things would go unexpected and I really don't think I could handle something that is going to pop out at me out of the blue. I think I try to solve too many things on my own that over time I tend to forget I have someone who could solve my problems for me. I feel like a precocious little girl who sometimes tries to grow up too quickly. Maybe its school, the environment I'm in, the people I'm hanging out with. I wish I didn't have to grow up so quickly. It doesn't feel natural.

By posting this I guess in a way I am putting myself out there for you to judge me but so be it. I've been on the biggest emotional rollercoaster riot and my head's throbbing from thinking way too much. I just want to sleep; to be alive and unconscious.

I just want to know what to do.