I am so freaking insecure

today was a flurry of emotions,

it started off groggy, and then you came along, and my mind started going on a high. I was so chirpy and loud the whole damn day and this is really, terrible, really. Now I'm incredibly low I don't even have the mood to do anything. My application for YOG to be part of the young photographer team might be cancelled because I cannot find a replacement for the other position, and most people I know who are willing to replace me are not 18 yet or, are not able to commit. This is terrible. First time I want to step out of my comfort zone and try something by my own efforts and I am not able to do so because of certain circumstances. I become so negative and I always feel as though God is trying to tell me I am not made for bigger things. But of course, that is not true. God, all things work together for good, right?

Lately we've all been talking so much about friendship and relationships and, I'm torn. I am not a confrontationist, I wouldn't go up to your face and bitch out. At least not now. My mind is conflicted. I've been thinking about many different possibilities. There are certain things I regret as hell doing/not doing. I think if I were to ever go up to your face and told you how much I hate it when you contradict yourself and how sometimes you can be a hypocrite you might explode there and then. Which then shortly after, you would confide in someone else about it and that someone would then convince you that it was never your fault in the first place. Which you would then agree, and shrug it off because it is that convenient. But what am I talking about, we are so similar, we've long been intertwined that everything I hate about you, I see in myself. Our lives are so finely orchestrated, and what scares me the most is that in actual fact, I am the puppeteer.

I feel too much.

YOU ARE STRONGER THAN WHAT I FEEL.

but for now, many things just feel like one big fat lie and I'm tired of lying. and oh the irony, I just editted this post so it doesn't sound as harsh as I imagined it in my mind. ugh.