pretty damn tired from running away

For the first time in a long time,

I don't feel ready to die. I don't know when how or when it came along but today's class was such a good and timely reminder on how I have not been the christian I am supposed to be, and for the first time, I am not ready to die. I have so much I need to do, so much I need to make up for. Like a baby taking its first steps, I had taken a few steps forward, only to stumble and fall, and right now, it feels like I am learning how to walk again.

My sister asked me the other night whether I knew what was God's will for me in my life, and I was irritated and brushed it off, but it was only because I knew I didn't know the answer to that question.

"If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you."

I have been asking and demanding a lot of things in my prayers, and every time I don't feel that they've been answered, I get frustrated and I guess somehow or another, slowly, I slipped away. Aunty Mona said today that whenever we complain that God feels so distant, we need to remember that He isn't the one who went away, rather, we moved away from him. I left, because everything felt so stagnant and I couldn't take staying at the same place, having to deal with the fact and understanding that the things that I wanted the most, weren't what he wanted for me.

I'm struggling, and its hard. Pretty damn overwhelming, when you're trying to commit your life to something you can't see but depend on faith to trust in, and at the same time having to deal with shit life throws at you, one after another not leaving you with any breathing space.

I cannot go to school and see certain people and curse and swear at them and still come to church and lead worship and pretend to be someone I am not.

I cannot bear going to church to see his face and feel heartbroken(feels odd to use this word) and still pretend that I'm okay.

I can't.

How?