life, love and why

I hope that one day when we have all grown up and have families of our own or whatever we're gonna be grown up and doing, that we'll look back at now and laugh at what melodramatic 18 yr olds we all were. 18, really the age to be huh.

No point thinking about what the future will be like now. I hate, (I don't even know if this is the right word to use) where I am now with my life and everything. I know I should be content and satisfied. I have great friends, a happy and secure family, but I don't feel the joy overflowing. The joy that should be dying to burst out of me and influence the people around me.

"But let all those that put their trust in Thee rejoice: let them ever shout for joy, because Thou defendest them: let them also that love Thy name be joyful in Thee."

Ps. 5:11

I ought to feel encouraged, knowing that I have a God who keeps records of all my fears and misgivings, my tears and my sorrow. I don't. I feel scared, ashamed, and just tired, and it overrides anything else. I don't go for sunday services, because I cannot get out of bed. I sit in sunday school classes and slowly digest whatever the teacher is saying to me and sometimes I want to cry. I don't know who I am supposed to be, I'm afraid that I'm not living up to expectations. I'm told I'm a very friendly person. I don't know why they say that, really. I don't feel right in my own skin. If I don't know how to love myself, how then do I love other people?

If I told you I wanted out, would you believe me?

or rather, would you love me enough to let me go.