we get lost in our own thoughts

So, I lied. I'm not okay.

I've been drifting in and out of sleep for the whole night. I feel as though I haven't slept properly in days and my head is starting to throb from the lack of it and I don't feel tired, surprisingly, but that is also what makes me feel completely exhausted. I'm almost certain this is not because of my messed up body clock. My dreams tire me out so I wake up and I spend so much time trying to fall asleep I don't.

The thing I hate most about not being to sleep is that it gives me time to think; forces me to. All the things I've been blocking out come flooding into my head, and its a pain. I squeeze my eyes shut and I see them fill the black spaces, coming at me in flashes, and even as I pry them open, I see them creep out of and litter the dark ceiling terrorizing me with dark shadows and blank spots.

First, I think about Kenny, and how I keep saying I'm over him, I think I am. Certain days I look at him and I feel absolutely nothing. Other times, I stand next to him and my heart palpitations increase by 200%. I don't know how anyone gets completely over anyone else. Is that even possible? But if it isn't, then, how do we move on?

This naturally leads to me feeling pathetic, and sad. It's difficult for me to explain to you how the tears just start welling up in my eyes when I do, but I'll try anyway. I think for the most part it sucks because I start to feel like I have been trying my best to get over him but one evening is all it takes to dissolve all my efforts to nothing. It's like, I'm back at square one and I know, its exasperating to talk to someone who doesn't listen. Trust me, I do, and I have been trying, so hard. But can you understand how it feels like to stand next to someone and feel that undeniable sense of longing while at the same time be conscious that it actually amounts to nothing because the other person doesn't care.

And then I start to think about my friends. The ones who care and love me so much I have no reason whatsoever to feel so alone, but once again, how do I begin to explain to you this hollow ache I feel inside? No, this is not going to lead to any conclusion that I need/want to find myself a boyfriend, or that I am feeling the pressure, as said by the mother. I just simply feel certain violent stabs of loneliness every once in a while and it would be nice to have another human being keep me company on nights like this. And once again, when I say human being I don't associate it to my family or friends. I would really rather a stranger keep me company, because a stranger doesn't need reasons and I don't want the people I love to worry about me.

You will then think, "But God loves you." Yes, I know. God loves me, He knows me, and he still loves me. So technically, if I have the maker of the heavens and the earth, someone who has the ability and power to change my life in ways I cannot, love me, then, what am I lacking?

Another thing about late nights is that I think about make believe hypothetical situations I fabricate on a daily basis. I think about the what-ifs and could-have-beens. I think about love and life and why. And once again, this all gets to me. I feel too much. I create this beautiful pseudo reality in my mind where everything is romanticized and for the lack of a better description, "Everything was beautiful, and nothing hurt." I don't like all these unrealistic expectations I have for the things in my life. People always say it is a cowardly thing to die, true, because sometimes I feel it's the easiest exit I have from myself. (no I am not emo and I am not going to kill myself.)

I am telling you this because I still believe you deserve the right to know and I don't want to keep anything from my friends but everyday it is getting harder and harder to open up. I think I'll take a short hiatus from this space.

"I normally speed when I'm alone but not when someone else is in the car."

"Please do, I don't mind. I like the rush."

And so we flew down the expressway till everything outside became a blur and the music and the presence of someone else in the car muted out completely.