God? Are you there? It's me, Deborah.

The past few weeks have been exhausting to say the least. Photoshoot after photoshoot with disappointments and embarrassment shuffled in-between. I don't even dare to calculate my expenses for this month. I don't know how much more my body can take before it fails on me. I'm not being melodramatic here... I'm already coming down with a hell of a sore throat and every 5 seconds I'm either swiping away mucus or clearing my throat. The mothership is starting to account my touchy behaviour as PMS but I know I'm nowhere near that. This bitch-from-hell mode needs to be permanently switched off!

And today was just a horrible sunday, and I already feel guilty for declaring that. Sundays are supposed to be "God-days" and for the longest time it's always just been a kind of sabbath for me. But now my mind is kept occupied with the school assignments and commitments that are collecting dust in the sub conscious crevices of my rusty brain. Today I missed my duty for main service PA duty (again) and I feel sooooooooo irresponsible. I hate it. Last week I didn't check the roster for SSS worship and didn't find out that I had to lead only till saturday night. Why have I lost control of my routines???

But on a more hopeful note, I'm pretty glad I've got my own cell now, instead of the normal sss classroom setting where it was more of a one way learning/guidance. I'm really looking forward to doing life with the rest of them, and I think that having the desire to come and walk a closer walk with Jesus as well as making the decision and maintaining the discipline are some personal challenges I'm hoping to upkeep this year.

I want to elaborate on the whole W episode, but everytime I want to try and reach a logical explanation as to why things went the way it did my mind just draws a blank. It's getting really painful when everyday it replays in my head like a broken tape recorder. And it really sucks because these are the little things I keep to myself and can't find the words to tell anyone else about. I never thought I'd find it difficult to open up and share about anything but it's getting tougher and tougher to find the words to say to even try and accurately express the way I feel. I don't want to be cornered into silence but I am secretly liking it as well. Less explaining to do? I guess I'm just someone who has been so used to dealing with my own emotions I don't know how else to deal with someone else's.

I've been so sincere about so many things but I'm starting to feel that I have been sincerely wrong.