A is for average.

I've been thinking a lot. About the friendships in my life, the relationships I've failed to keep and are struggling to maintain right now. About the direction my life is taking and how quickly things pick up or fall away. It's only about a month and a half till I finish this final lap of this phase of education and I'm petrified. Absolutely scared shitless as to what I'm going to do. Everytime someone asks me, "So what are you going to do after this?" I smile and give my standard, "Oh, you know, a gap year, then decide after..." Inside I'm just melting away into a pool of Deborah and I just really want to give the awkward smile and hide under a rock.

I'm not like some of my friends, who are just good at what they do. You have the ones who are just good at design, born to do it, sure. Then the ones who just live out their life as it's supposed to be. I know everything happens for a reason, and God's in control, and as Jeremiah 11:29 says, "I know the plans I have for you.." "plans to give you a hope and a future." BUT I AM A TOTAL CONTROL FREAK AND NOT KNOWING WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT JUST MAKES ME A NERVOUS WRECK. I have major security issues, I admit. I never feel like I'm any good at anything, and I'm not even saying this to try and get attention or seek affirmation. Because there isn't anything to seek or justify. I am just average at every little thing I do. I'm saying this with all the seriousness in my heart and yes I'm clear headed lolz, definitely not drunk either.

I'm doing my FYP with the knowledge that I'm probably not going to get an A grade, I'd probably get a B, and feel crappy about it. Then sulk and cry about it, while my parents and sister try to console me. Then I'd mope about how I have no talent and no skill and should just probably be a nun. SEE HOW IT SNOWBALLS...

Sigh, bottom line is, I'm trying. So, so hard to be good at this. Trying so hard to just for once, be good at something. And it's all just back firing on me. And I don't know what to do. As always.

Fuck.