made more faithful

I remember reading this one entry on Thought Catalog a while back, and I was trying to deal with my erratic heart without being a drama queen, and I remember it being a sucker punch to the stomach, the imploding other worldy feeling of sad, sad realization that everything I had ever thought true just a false pretty picture I had painted.

I love love, the idea of being happy and content, complete even. Love was supposed to be easy, and when it suddenly became confusing and complicated, I let go. Detached myself from the problem so I didn't have to face it head on. Being on parallel sides from it so I can look at it from a distance without having to cross paths again. I was done with being on the receiving end of an emotionally abusive relationship. But you see, as much as this entry held certain truths, there was an end and it held hope.

Your stopped heart shudders and groans and starts up again.

It works. It runs.

Be happy. Sand the hurt smooth, cover it with putty.

Be happy. Oh God, please be happy.

I know, I've been over this time and time again, and I am still trying. Trying to make sense, trying to regain that child like faith and wonder. That the next time it happens it will be good and smooth sailing. Trying to patch back and stock up that emotional gapping hole that was ripped out and neglected for a long time. The funny thing is, when he left, it wasn't just about being out of love with one boy. I started to fall out of love with everything else. When you grow up with love as the reason for everything, it almost feels like you've lost that moral compass in you when love fails. Love was life. I am human in every possible way and it is both tragically beautiful and devastatingly ugly.

How do I become more like You?