I feel ugly. No, not in the way my feet are too big and knees too coarse. I feel it in words and silences and how my insides knot up and collapse in a heap when I feel your absence. I don't want to be the when or where or listen to your why and hows. If everything about me seems to be the problem, fine, I'll just go. I can't keep waiting for apologies or a how do you do, I can't keep waiting for you to tell me that it's not my fault. My nails keep clawing at my sides till I turn black and blue, maybe if I start to bleed out parts of me I don't like we can make this work. But fuck all of this, I don't want to exist anymore.