long overdue, haven't felt ready to post this. perhaps it's time
//
Apprehension, mostly.
I stood at the departure gates and bade farewell to girls I had come to know and love. My "overseas student experience" was nothing short of cliché. But coming home... nobody ever prepares you for the unfamiliarity in that area. It's easy to think about leaving, to discover and create something new for yourself. 3, 4 months away and you've crafted a whole new life elsewhere. Your bank account is now managed monthly by yourself, your telephone number has increased by 2 digits, you're looking at life in weeks and grocery lists instead of coming home to a routine of "uh, dinner, no thanks."
So it's been a drastic change of pace from where I was exactly one year ago. But last night caught me wishing things were back to when everyone still liked each other enough to hang around. I know I can't keep going back to the once was, and change has been good. My fingers still reach out instinctively for shreds of what was.
Back in the now, I've mellowed. My bubbliness and noise is certainly still here to stay but it's in the little things. I've been spending the past few nights replaying memories, haunted by sinister nightmares, waking up restless and wanting.
Despite everything, it still feels like it was my fault. People always say that you should never back down from who you are, it's the standard "if you're not you then who are you". You tell me, who am I? I try so hard to be someone for everyone, I've lost sight of who I am. I thought I was confident, secured, loved. A pet peeve is when people make passing comments on how things will fade, people forget, we move on. Okay, then where is this moving on?
I'm moving 10 steps forward and 100 steps back.
//
Apprehension, mostly.
I stood at the departure gates and bade farewell to girls I had come to know and love. My "overseas student experience" was nothing short of cliché. But coming home... nobody ever prepares you for the unfamiliarity in that area. It's easy to think about leaving, to discover and create something new for yourself. 3, 4 months away and you've crafted a whole new life elsewhere. Your bank account is now managed monthly by yourself, your telephone number has increased by 2 digits, you're looking at life in weeks and grocery lists instead of coming home to a routine of "uh, dinner, no thanks."
So it's been a drastic change of pace from where I was exactly one year ago. But last night caught me wishing things were back to when everyone still liked each other enough to hang around. I know I can't keep going back to the once was, and change has been good. My fingers still reach out instinctively for shreds of what was.
Back in the now, I've mellowed. My bubbliness and noise is certainly still here to stay but it's in the little things. I've been spending the past few nights replaying memories, haunted by sinister nightmares, waking up restless and wanting.
Despite everything, it still feels like it was my fault. People always say that you should never back down from who you are, it's the standard "if you're not you then who are you". You tell me, who am I? I try so hard to be someone for everyone, I've lost sight of who I am. I thought I was confident, secured, loved. A pet peeve is when people make passing comments on how things will fade, people forget, we move on. Okay, then where is this moving on?
I'm moving 10 steps forward and 100 steps back.
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