// 

One of my biggest qualms of being away was not being around for the important things: life, death, first steps, final words, and feeling like my life split down the middle and I was on the outside looking in. Sometimes it feels like I can’t stop this anxiety, because the minute I do, things happen and everything slips out of my grasp. I can’t even find the right words to say. Trying to process why I’m so upset, and feeling like I shouldn’t be. The Wednesday the news came still feels like a dream. In a semi lucid state I sit here crying, then wiping tears away, feeling like I’m over reacting, overcompensating, laughing too loud too often. All while knowing it’s okay to be sad. I’ll never get used to this tragedy. 

// 

“Chill,” you tell me, and I mutter disgruntled complains under my breath.

I always wondered what it would be like to see eye to eye,

except I can never hold a gaze,

and you look right past me. 

// 

You spend all your time searching aimlessly for something else to pour your life into.

I fill my days with the same old stupid addiction of chasing your shadow. 

There are different names for the same thing. 

//

The way we play boardgames with the same competitive fervour, 

when our fingers tap against the dashboard, lips murmuring inaudible lyrical compositions.

The enormity of your presence stirs, and stops. 

I wish I could say this was enough 

You’re a song I never want to stop singing. 

//

I woke up this morning feeling a deep, deep ache. 

like I had lost something important but couldn’t remember what. 

//

I feel like I’ve been let in on a secret. 

//

the light is slowly changing

a nuance