amnesia

S & E at the edge of the Indian Ocean 

We are well into the first quarter of 2019, and as usual, I'm already feeling like I can't keep up. My lofty goals of keeping accountable and updating on my life through aesthetically curated insta-stories is laughable, because 1) my time is not my own (my boss is currently a 15 month toddler that I am bound to like ball and chain) and 2), it doesn't feel like there is anything noteworthy to tell people about (like my 2am bedtime routines?)

To be fair, waiting around to sign this elusive offer of a job as a speech therapist at a special needs school that has been dangling in eyes' view has me rolling my eyes but also waving my hands in resignation that nothing is really certain unless it's down in black and white. The strict rigidity of Singaporean culture is a double edged sword, and I am both irritated and thankful. I was under so much stress in the past year that the high of being on a full time placement has very quickly evaporated, and somedays I feel like I've forgotten what it was like to slog so hard at making resources and writing progress notes and report after report after report. I often try to ruminate on the events in 2018, but my mind doesn't let me wander too far anymore. To a certain degree, these repressed memories are fantastic for my mental well being, but that's another story to get into at a different time.

I've been keeping busy by taking on the odd job here and there – no really, from doing bridal hair and make up to shooting a funeral, to just buckling down and doing the most intensive faith based workout of my life (read: foundations of biblical change aka christian counselling) and getting back into the swing of wedding photography. I'm quite content with the state of things, but there is a lingering sense that I am not doing enough, because as much as I am lazy af, I also thrive best under routines and a sense of purpose. 

I know, I know. I already hear all you disciplined people mumbling under your breath about how "you could set routines for myself" and I'll be the first to admit I am the most ill disciplined person when it comes to follow an actual timetable. I used to draw up schedules for myself through primary/secondary education, and I never followed through, if not for rough estimations (e.g. reading – 1/5 hour haha more like 1.5 hours). The hassle of keying in events into my phone are backfiring on me since I often find myself double (even triple) booking appointments, and I realise I'm more forgetful than I'd like to think. Heck, I can't even remember what I did last night, much less one week ago. 

So to reiterate this one discipline I will force myself to indulge in, I'm going to (try) blogging once a week (perhaps a month), to keep track of all that I am thankful for, for the little memories that slip through the cracks because I stopped paying attention. 

One day I'll thank myself for it.  

x 

my boss baby at 7 months in P-town last Spring