september

I've never been good at hiding how I feel about situations. When I'm happy, I wear the biggest grin on my face, and when something makes me upset, I frown like my life depended on it. So what do I do when it's an eternal conflict between all the feelings I have? I cry, laugh, get mad all in a few seconds and it's like a pregnant woman on overdrive. Being vulnerable comes easily to me, yet I hate to be. I want to be cool, collected and be one of those people who have it all together. But often I see myself lying in bed under my sheets, my mind foggy with sleep with a heart yearning for something I don't even know myself. I'm here but my mind is a million miles away.

I flip through my journals, reliving moments, reminding myself of the path that's been walked a million times. There's one in particular I found to be refreshingly positive, coming from me.


18/11/18 (this was a difficult time, I was often sad, often finding myself at a loss for words)
"it always sounds so gory – 'i want to claw my way out', 'i would bleed myself dry'.

how come it's never graceful?

'i will walk out of this, alive and grateful'."

What insight, from a depressed final year uni student.... hahah. Thank God, I am alive and grateful.
I think 37 year old me will look back at this and faint at the level of melodrama.