and so it goes

Today marks the day I attended my first counselling session. It started out like any other Monday, full of sunshine lighting up my room, and a "breakfast?" from Linette, my only friend who would be spontaneous and fully awake at 8am on a Monday morning. On my off days, I am oddly rested, (of course I would be), I don't do anything... but somehow the extra dose of exhaustion from the week that just passed also sinks in deeply and I dread the week ahead. 

I didn't really know what to expect, after all it was online and the clinical coldness of online meetings would remedy the awkwardness of meeting in person. So I surely did not expect the rush of tears like water bursting out of a dam. I thought I was better, I thought it was just to get some handles. I guess I just wanted some sort of shortcut cure. To feel that talking about it would be a form of processing long seeded bad habits and thought patterns. and to just move on... I am clearly misguided and I am so apprehensive about the healing process. 

Nevertheless the tears fell fast and hard, and at one point I wanted to stop talking. I was asked why I wanted counselling, to talk about my issues, and what I wanted to work on. There was mention of poor boundaries, grief and loss, inadequacies that stem from a mismatch in expectations - whether imposed or projected. I remember talking about why it took so long to seek help, and realised how difficult it is to admit weakness. For a hugely sentimental person, it is ironic and inconsistent to my entire brand as a human (?!?!?!). I had to answer what my tears meant, what crying meant, why I view showing emotion as a negative emotion, and with it I carried a lot of helplessness, frustration and shame. And after the session, I felt this need to pack my room. Which makes sense... seeing the cathartic release of tears and the emotional tidying up. I am spent, and all I want to do now is cuddle with my cat and fall asleep. 

I've been told to journal, something that definitely came a lot easier (at some point), and has since been shelved, quite literally, since it takes so much effort to sieve through facts/feelings and trying to decide which is true. 

So let's start with some facts:
1) God is good
2) He desires wholeness, in mind, body and soul
3) I am loved, regardless of how I feel

I'm not sure where to start but anywhere seems good enough.